The Best Rude Jokes (In The World)

So it's about time for some more rude jokes, which is obviously everyone's favorite activity.  I have put a lot of meticulous work into this new update, so I hope you all enjoy it.  As a recap of all of the other humor that we have put on display here, I will not be posting anything of substance, but definitely want to just keep the floodgates open on the most rude jokes I can think of.  Humor is something that can be interpreted in different ways, but the most outrageous jokes or pickup lines in the world can still offend people.  If you think this makes no sense, or if these bad mannered jokes offend you...good.

Also, wanted to include a few sources of my jokes, either on LinkedIn, Quora, or Twitter and About.Me if you want to reach out.

The Most Offensive Joke in the World

In the purpose of updating this page with even more rude jokes, I am adding some fresh shit.  Again, if you are offended easily, or unfortunately happen to stumble upon this page, I apologize in advance.  Seriously though, how did you get to this page?  The only way I can think of would be because of a search that brought you here for a rude or offensive joke.  In which case, that is ultimately the purpose of writing all of these stupid, stupid stupid jokes and such.

I really wish that offensive jokes were more of a niche that I am interested in, because I would definitely post more original, rude jokes and whatnot if that were the case.  I guess just posting some stupid content that a sixth grader couldn't figure out the difference with is a good enough start.  In the meantime, enjoy some quality jokes that are totally just copied from other places on the web.

Moar Rude Jokes and Such

So I needed to pass along a few quick updates while I had a chance.  Obviously, this is not intended for anyone to read these rude jokes, so I apologize in advance if I am offending anyone.  To be honest, I am just trying to update the material on here so that it appears to be fresh in the eyes of robots, rude ones.  Humor is intended to not offend, hence why I recommend taking all of this with a grain of salt.  Also, if you can't find good jokes on the internet anymore please use www.google.com or www.comedycentral.com

Going to try something new for this offensive joke:

The funeral housecalled the 85 year old womanto tell her that her 90 year old mate had died with such a massive boner that he could not close the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big bonoer.

Well she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his butt". The next day the whole gang came to the funeral house to give their respect and the woman knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his face . She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt you old fucker!"

So that's my update for now.  Hopefully I can increase the rate at which important read these rude, offensive jokes so that my experiment in laughter can continue.

A Collection of a Few Good Jokes

I know it has been a while since any of the content here has been updated, but I know that you all must be dying for more rude jokes, so I won't waste any more of your time.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a piece of pizza?

A: I don't have sex with a piece of pizza before I eat it.

To be quite honest, I don't mean to be rude to anyone actually reading this. You see, I am conducting an experiment using a few free tools on the internet. If you are actually offended by any of this content, lighten up. Here is a link to an authoritative site to make this more legit, but if you are curious about the history of jokes according to Wikipedia. I need to use the word "rude" again, because that will solidify this sentence as being relevant to the previous text.

One of my favorite pick-up lines guaranteed to either get you laid or offend someone greatly:

Q: What's the difference between a ferrari and a boner?

A: I don't have a ferrari

Again, this joke only works about 25% of the time. 50% of the time if you are as handsome as I am. This looks to be like a sufficient amount of fresh stuff. Let's hope it gets crawled!

Dead Baby Jokes

What do you call a dead baby with its skin peeled off?

Sexy

What's the worst thing about fucking a dead baby?

Wiping the blood stains off of your clown suit!

How do you spoil a baby?

Leave it out in the sun.

Why did the toddler drop it's lollipop?

It was hit by a truck.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?

You can't fuck a table.

What's bright blue, pink, and sizzles?

A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is
around to hear it, is it still hilarious?

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

What's blue and sits in the corner?

A baby in a baggie.

What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape?

The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun

What's sicker than driving over a baby?

Skidding.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.

You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.

How do you make a baby cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

What's the best sound in the world?

Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure!

What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?

Sticking pins in their eyes.

What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?

Crib death.

Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

How do you get a baby to run faster?

Chase it with the lawn mower.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?

An erection.

What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?

Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

What's pink and spits?

A baby in a frying pan.

What happens when you burn baby's face off?

It makes weird noises and crawls into walls.

What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?

Art.

What has 4 legs and one arm?

A Doberman in a children's playground!

What does a bum call a dead baby in a dumpster?

A Freeloader.

What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?

One live one in the middle is eating its way out.

What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?

Nailing it to a dead puppy.

What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?

A bus load of babies on fire.

What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

What wiggles spits and is covered in shit?

An inside out baby!

When is the best time to bury that baby you killed?

When it starts talking to you again.

What's pink and chunky?

A baby with leprosy.

What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?

You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.

What do you call a 30week-old preemie?

An Appetizer.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on your porch?

Matt.

How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?

Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.

What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?

A baby with a javelin through its throat.

Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?

So you can pick them up five at a time

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?

A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

What's the difference between a lamp and a dead baby?

It's really easy to turn on a lamp.

What's small, and shiny, and blue?

A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

What's small, and red, and full of holes?

A baby on a bed of nails.

What do you call a baby on a stick?

A Kebabie.

How do you get a baby out of a tree?

You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!

What's red and dances all around?

A baby on a barbecue

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?

Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine's Day?

You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a

bouquet of roses up his ass.

What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ?

A Pedophiles ass.

What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?

Making a bong out of it

What's the safest way to play with a baby ?

With a condom.

What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?

A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?

Cancer.

What is the definition of revenge?

A baby with a dog in its mouth.

How are babies and the elderly alike?

Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?

A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life

You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter

What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?

You can't gargle gravel.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree?

One is legal to hit with an AX.

What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?

A baby with a black eye!

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?

With a blender!

How do you get them out again?

With tortilla chips!!!

Are you offended? Good